I'm all about imagery ... totally visual. So, I finally came up with a visual to help me see how I'm feeling and what's been happening since my session with Marilyn.
Marilyn said, "we went really deep." Okay, so that's what that was.
What I got at the end of our session - a brilliant rainbow laser blasting open my heart center.
I'm still feeling pretty much discombobulated - out of sorts - perplexed - guarded - almost itchy - that feeling where my skin doesn't seem to fit. I'm realizing a big challenge with working remotely is I've been feeling kind of hung out to dry. We've had a couple of follow-ups and I had some homework, one piece is done, another I'm still working on. I've been feeling frustrated. Now I'm seeing that I was hoping for an instant solution, I wanted Marilyn to fix me ... silly silly me.
Where I got to today - we dismantled my existing "engine" ... my usual m.o. All the parts are laid out next to me. What I've been trying to do is reassemble them exactly as they were before ... been a bit frantic about it. What I thought I needed was for everything to immediately fall into place, newly assembled, all fresh and brand new and fully functioning.
What I'm seeing today - there's a reason for my discomfort ... maybe I don't need all those bits. Maybe I can leave some out or gather some new ones. I'm designing a new me, my existing paradigm is shifting and reassembly takes time.
The whole reason I scheduled this session was to work through my stuckness. I'm thoroughly sick of listening to myself whine, no doubt you are as well ... lord knows, it's been going on for a long time. I've done multiple posts, written pages and pages, meditated and cajoled my psyche to no avail. Lines drawn in the virtual sand, ceremonies, prayers and intentions and wishful thinking ... sheesh.
So, right now - today - as we speak, here's something different ... a visceral dismantling. My knee-jerk reaction is to immediately freak out, scream bloody hell and try to start putting it all back together
. just . like . it . was .
But as of right now - today - as we speak ... full stop ... step back ... breathe.
I'm looking at what I make, why I make it, what makes my heart sing, what makes me cringe, why did I make that, what would I make if I wasn't concerned about price or marketability. What about wholesale - do I want to continue designing collections and following that model? How do I want to connect with my clientele ... on-line, in person ... and what will be the vehicle for that connection? I'm looking at what motivates and inspires me; I'm looking at how I price things and what feels right.
I'm looking at everything.
I'm looking at all those parts and bits laid out alongside me and choosing which ones I bring back. Conscious selection and reassembling.
Today's final card sums it up pretty well - from The Enchanted Map oracle cards, #19 Dragon's Lair:
"The path you're on now is one that will challenge you to the core. That said, peril is also exciting and exhilarating, like the danger you feel before you enter a new relationship, knowing that you'll be changed forever ... A new experience is calling to you, one that will test your courage. The choice is yours, but there is greater value in risk taking than remaining unchallenged. New territories are waiting to be discovered."
So I am endeavoring to slow myself down, resist my compulsion to put everything back together just as before and explore the uncharted territory before me, picking up only the parts I need to move forward and, with a blessing and thanks for the memories, leaving the rest behind.
l i g a - kvk