some face-time with my demons

Very curious goings on this last week or so ... some of my old programming, beliefs and fears have been surfacing.

Maybe my brain's getting rewired from trying out a few tapping videos (a new thing to me).  Or maybe it started when I was listening to my '09 FireStarter session the other day.  Danielle commenting on images of me, saying I looked quirky and cool ... it was really my old RayBan horn rims she was referring to, but my reaction then and my reaction now - pretty much the same ... "she's kidding, right?  I am supremely uncool.  Not that I wouldn't love to be considered 'cool', but it just ain't possible."  A few days later, I had a lovely, long chat with my cherished good friend, Teresa out in Port Townsend.  Teresa used to own Artisans On Taylor and has always been a great champion of me and my work.  She's long maintained that, yes - I am in fact cool.  Still not so sure.  Well, I was looking pretty spiffy back in April '06 ...

Then today, it hit me when my 'uncool' image started ... 4th grade, Ruth Henegar Elementary School (1964).  New kid in a big new school, all kinds of stuff to get involved in.  I tried out for talent shows ... how many 4th graders want to get up in front of the entire student body and sing Moon River, first a-capella for the try-out, then with a Henry Mancini record for the official performances - there were two because everyone wouldn't fit into the auditorium at once.  Then I ran for Sgt. at Arms of the Student Body, the only office open to 4th grade.  I ran against Norma Gardner, the most popular girl of the class - I marvel at that awareness.  Again, up in front of the whole school to make a speech.  I had 3x5 note cards and ended up doing a bit of ad-libbing after hearing Norma's speech.  Pretty sure it was a landslide in her favor.

I got pretty quiet after that and through the rest of my school years ... not a lot of friends, no dates, no prom, got stood up a few times including my 'best friend' ditching me on graduation night - boy did that suck.  I'm thinking I didn't always make it easy on myself ... I specifically remember a time in high school spouting my theories about how it was totally possible to walk through walls ... it's really a wonder I had any friends at all.  But now I'm looking back and it feels so much less ... a stinky lingering demon that, as of right now, seems to have lost most of its pizazz.

Then there's my wretched fear of the IRS.  I can imagine I'm not the only home-based solo entrepreneur with that one.  Ties into all those money issues.  So when I got a big fat letter from the IRS yesterday, I thought I was going to be sick.  It had been 'one of those days' and I was already not happy.  The mail ran late, I wanted to sit down immediately and see what the heck was going on and how on earth could we owe another $2350, but I only had a few minutes to start my investigation before having to head to the kitchen - it was a long night.  I dove in first thing this morning and came to realize I had misplaced a 1099-R for when we transferred an IRA and a 1099-INT for a wee bit of interest.  It was looking like unreported income.  Thankfully, the IRA stuff is in order and I'll just write a couple of teeny checks for the under-reported interest income.  There's another demon - face to face and I'm just fine. 

I've got to wonder why all of this matters.  Pretty sure logic has absolutely nothing to do with it.  But I figure taking the sting out of long held fears, bolstering my self-image, facing those lurking demons ... it has to be a good thing.  And I've got a new self-image in mind ... me, standing tall (well as tall as 5'2'' will get ya'), acknowledging my gifts and unique abilities, a huge toothy grin on my face, wielding a staff firmly planted in the ground beside me.  A line has been drawn in the sand in front of me and I'm raring to go ... a couple less demons in tow.

l i g a - kvk