synaptic ruts

Some might have noticed ... I've been in hiding for a bit.  Over the last couple of weeks, there's been a wonderful visit from one of my best friends which included a visit to my old stomping grounds and another friend's MFA thesis reception, computer nightmares, plain old introverted hunkering and a lot of sorting out and rethinking and reassessing.  I've reread a bunch of old blog entries and am trying to not be totally disgusted by my lack of forward progress.  The words 'synaptic rut' come to mind.  The last couple of weeks have been all about breaking out of my well worn ruts.

Rut destruction has included socializing with some of the old NOC crowd from the early 90's - I worked in the Outfitter's store for about 5 years - just let me know if you need a canoe outfitted, help with your hiking boots or adjusting your backpack for the AT.

blurry good fun - Phyllis, Cindy and moi - NOC buddies from 1990

Rut destruction has also included regular walks at the Arboretum alternating with  my Jivamukti video practice.

Cindy and me at the Arboretum
Further changes have ensued ... I think it was maybe a week ago, lying in bed, hoping sleep will come sooner than later.  An image came to me ... I'm in a small rowboat at a dock.  I have a large knife with a serrated blade in my hand and I've cut the big rope that seemed to be tying me to the shore.  Visually the link has been severed and for all I can see, I should be free to move away.  Turns out that's not what was really holding me back.  I finally see that I'm really stretched out, as far away from the dock as possible, but my big toe is just barely grabbing the edge.  All this time I thought I was breaking free, I was really still holding on.

I'm a very visual person - no surprise there.  I like to have a working image to keep me on track.  For years it's been the 'leap of faith' image of Indiana Jones stepping out into the abyss in The Last Crusade.  Another of my working images came to me a couple of years ago during a morning meditation and is about my weight.  I saw that the extra pounds I carry are a mask that I hide behind, an imaginary fat suit.  All I needed to do was unzip the fat suit and step out to see the real me.  After that realization, I actually lost about 10 pounds - they just disappeared.  That weight has snuck back on and I can feel that, once again, I've been hiding in my 'fat suit'.

So in the past week, I've put together a new working image ... I'm standing at the water's edge.  I unzip my fat suit and step out onto the dock and into the rowboat.  This time I easily toss the rope onto the dock, my feet are squarely in the boat and I begin to drift out into the water.  There is movement, progress away from the dock.  The movement is not specific or directed, but it is movement nonetheless ... a gentle transition, no abrupt leaps, no aggressive severing of ties.  The progress is out into the unknown, wide expanse and I must participate, the oars must be engaged.

I have no idea where I'm going.  I do know that we are going to Provence in less than 6 weeks (yep, got the tickets - better travel times, lower price).  I am still working on new jewelry and I'm trying to stay away from the computer as much as possible (that's a tough one - bordering on addiction).  There are comments from previous posts I have yet to respond to and for that I apologize.  I have to believe that as I, once again, regroup and reassess, rowing purposefully and fully engaged, I will arrive revitalized and ready to meet whatever lies ahead.

So here's a peek at what I've been working on the last couple of days.  The work will be going onto Etsy, but it will probably be Tuesday before I have time to photograph and list the pieces.

I really love the middle earrings - moss aquamarine and flourite
Like I was saying ... I'm not sure what's ahead, but it does feel different - honest it does.  I'm going to do everything I can to climb out of my deep synaptic ruts and carve some new ones.  I'm hoping for lots of surprises.

with enormous gratitude ........
blessings - kvk

p.s.  my horoscope for today:
Your horoscope for April 11, 2010
You will have a day of profound reflection, kathy. While you may be tempted to look back and think about how far you have come in the last months, your time would be better spent thinking about what the future has in store for you. You have entered a period of rethinking both your identity and your objectives. These are not small changes. You will need every ounce of energy at your disposal to make it through this time of transition.

gotta love the universe