accept or resist

Before I can make a choice, I want to understand what it is ... I'm trying to figure out this one thing, this part of me - is it my true nature, a habit or something else.

I've always thought of myself as someone who's on top of things, organized, professional, but not too obsessive about it ... basically a Type A but with underlying slacker tendencies.  But over the last three years I've been changing.  It's hard to know what's really happening, there's been so much going, in my own world and the world at large.

There's the cross country move, from Port Townsend back to western North Carolina - no small thing.
There's menopause - basically, I'm done ... well there's still those mild hot flashes every now and then, but not much else in the way of tangible changes.
I just turned 56 and while I feel more like 38 (how old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?), there's definitely physiological things going on that can't be ignored.
There's global economic woes that I have no control over, but may be affecting my business.  Personally, I think it's me, not the economy.
And of course there's all the insane planetary stuff ... oof! 

Alright, so you're wondering where I'm going with all this.  I guess my starting place is communications ... it's a total love/hate relationship.  Let's start with the telephone.  I don't really care for the telephone, but it's not unusual that I'll talk for an hour or more to friends and family.  BTW - I really don't like my cell phone.  But most of the time, I'm woefully remiss in calling my family and friends ... just ask my Mom.

Then there's email.  I love checking email, but have a hard time responding in a timely fashion.  The only problem with not responding right away ... those lovely emails pile up and become a source of guilt and dread.  As I'm writing this, I'm remembering another factor ... I'm very much an introvert.  Myers Briggs profile, INFJ. 

The next question is, why am I writing about this right now?  I've got a couple of very nice success stories, but for the most part, me and my business have been cruising under the radar for a very long time.  I really want to change that and this is where the acceptance/resistance thing comes in.

I'm seeing the numbers of people following this blog increase ... my number of official followers has doubled over the last couple of months.  Sixty-two is not much for most of my blog buddies, but it's a big deal for me.  My blogging friends will get 62 comments on a post, me ... not so much.  Part of the blog thing is comments ... I love comments - really I do.  But that introvert/communication thing kicks in and sometimes it takes me a week or two to respond.  Sometimes I respond straight away, most times not.

So what's worrying me is, do I really want to merge onto the big business highway and if I really want to jump into the fast lane, can I change my mode of operation?  Do I need to change?  I've always said, "when I grow up, I want to be eccentric."  Is that happening?  Is that okay?    

Something else I should mention ... I'm a bit of a control freak (Nina don't laugh).  But these last three years have pretty much thrown me for a loop, so many changes ... I can't figure it out.  That hard core logical side of me, that Type A persona is morphing into something new and different and unknown and, truth be told, kind of scary.  I take great pride in knowing myself, having a clear understanding of my inner workings and motivations.  Lately, I don't have a bloody clue. 

I'm an emerging artist ... a 56 year old, post-menopausal emerging artist/crone/wise woman/healer ... other monikers TBD.

So the question remains ... accept or resist?  I'm with the Borg, "resistance is futile."  Looks like I'll accept.  No idea what that means, but it promises to be an interesting ride.

onward .........

l i g a - kvk

p.s.  wow, I'm up to 64!  cool beans ... thanks kids!