fresh awareness alongside deep sadness

A tenacious virus has had hold of me since March 15th.  I know this one began with air travel and, now realize, has been sustained through grief.  There have been moments and days when I thought it's grasp was easing, but this past Friday, it grabbed hold with fresh enthusiasm.  On Sunday I went at it with a new concoction and, by the end of the day, it seemed the virus' grip had eased a bit.  Waking up this morning, I wasn't so sure.

So I started the day with an intention to ignore my overactive brain and listen more closely to my body ... drinking tea with my usual toast and p.b. and reading my fluffy novel, then making more tea, drinking my concoction regularly, getting set up in my reading nook with pillows, a toasty warm fleece throw and reading for a while longer.  That worked for a while and then I felt the pull of my meditation bench.

Shifting to my bench with its altar, I lit candles and sage, sounded my singing bowl and began a series of pranayam, yogic breathing techniques to calm and clear my mind.  Breath of fire led to deep cleansing breaths, in through the nose and, from deep in my belly, forcing out through the mouth.  I have often experienced the incredible power of these cleansing breaths, but was not prepared for what came over me this morning.  I was consumed by a profound grief, tears began flowing followed by racking sobs.  In the midst of my sobs, I began to see the connection between my lingering illness and grieving for my beloved nephew.  You see, it's not just the sadness of his passing, but a little secret I've held onto for over 10 years ...

Long ago I had something of, I guess it could be called, a premonition ... "Richie will die young."  I have never had premonitions, never.  I had absolutely no reason or precedent to believe that vision, none.  But there it was and there it sat for all those years.  When Richie began his cancer journey 5 1/2 years ago, I was utterly terrified ... was that notion going to prove true?  The weekend of Richie's surgery, I told Dave and my visiting older brother my vision, but never anyone else.  Through the years, there were so many victories but just as many close calls.  Believing as I do that we each hold the power to heal ourselves, I continued to hope and pray that Richie would survive his diagnosis and prove my awful vision wrong.

Then last fall, I began a healing journey of my own.  Suffering from massive anxiety and, what I guess I would call, rampant heart palpitations, I went to the doctor to make sure nothing was amiss.  All systems were fine, which suggested an alternative source underlying my physical symptoms.  I restarted my meditation and free writing practice and began working with an energy healer friend.  All of these sessions were intense and I began to experience what felt like energies beginning to communicate through me.  I worked to calm my mind and open my heart to understand what was happening.  The free writing sessions were amazing and inspirational, I was feeling so 'tapped in' ... my palpitations had ceased, I was able to fall asleep at night and was gaining tremendous insights for my path forward.

Then daily life as a maker tied up with the holidays and travel for a family Christmas rendezvous, prompted me to put my practices on hold.  At Christmas, seeing Richie's diminished abilities was gut wrenching and, soon thereafter, Richie's condition began to decline even further. 

Returning home, I began to focus my meditations towards distance healing for Richie.  Maybe with all the changes I was experiencing, could it be that I had latent healing abilities?  Surely we all have that potential?  During some meditations, I felt like powerful surges of energy were flowing from me and that I was connecting with Richie.  Looking back, I still believe that was true. 

How healing works, whether one human can have an effect on another's healing, why one person can experience spontaneous remission and another can't ... I have no answers for these questions ... and it flat out pisses me off.  I really wanted to believe that, as I sat that last night holding Richie's hand, singing and praying with his huge circle of friends and family, he could still be healed ... if anyone could do it, he certainly could.  But it was not to be.  While I slept at my hotel, Richie passed the next morning, surrounded by a very small group of family and friends that sang and prayed through the night ... singing him out to the sounds of Hallelujah and Amazing Grace.

This morning, in the midst of my sobbing, I was finally able to connect the dots of my long ago vision to where I am today.  While I truly believe everyone has the ability to heal oneself, and even though my core beliefs about healing have been clouded with some doubts, I believe we choose to come into this life to experience a variety of things.  Some come to experience spontaneous healing, some like Richie come to experience as much as life has to offer in a much shorter time frame.  Richie was here to taste and savor everything that came his way and show us how it's done with extraordinary grace and love and compassion.

And I now see why that long ago vision wouldn't be completely understood until this very day ... as to me having any effect on Richie's healing, I realized with brute force this morning, Richie was on his own journey and me playing a part in his healing was not my path.  At the end, I was there for my family and to say goodbye to Richie, but there was nothing more I could have done. 

Goodness, after such an enlightening morning ... what's next?  I very much believe this day's intense release has had a cleansing effect, emotionally and physically.  I'll continue to take my elixir concoction, but I definitely feel a loosening of the gunk.  Emotionally, I'm exhausted.  I know grief is a process not to be hurried, but at least I feel that one niggling bit might have been released. 

In my work, I feel a renewed commitment to my current direction ... creating tools and talismans to support each of us on our own healing journeys.  I will continue to create work that, while being purposeful or pure adornment, always begins with joy and is grounded in love. 

If you've made it all the way to the end ... thank you so much!  It is my fervent hope that we can continue to help each other on our healing journeys, celebrating all things created from the light and filling our lives with unceasing joy and beauty.

with deep gratitude and a rainbow of blessings ...